What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 02:04
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
How did it feel when experiencing gay sex for the first?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
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I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do men prefer women below the age of 30?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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It was going to be , some day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do men say women hit the wall at 24?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So, i spoilt her more .
How is sex with a woman for gay men?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ive learnt so much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I couldn’t, believe it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.